Just Because...I Believe

I am writing this letter simply because I believe. I believe that you will read my words even though you never learned to read; just as even though you never learned to speak, I always knew you understood and I know you will once again understand. I also believe that there is someone else out there who will also read my words and receive a message because they too believe. Just because... I believe.
I have received all of the little messages that you have sent me to let me know you are with me. Such as on your first birthday without you here, which would have been your 9th birthday. I walked into Dairy Queen to buy an ice cream cake so your brother, sister and I could have a small celebration of your life in the hopes that you would be watching down and sharing our memories, even though you were not able to have a piece of your favourite cake and be here to celebrate with us. I was looking at the cakes trying to decide which one to buy when your sister said “Here it is Mom!” I looked over and there was a cake in the shape of a heart with L O V E spelled out in a square exactly the same as the design on your favourite shirt, the one that we picked out to bury you in. It was like I had called in and had it designed for you, when in fact I knew in my heart that it was actually you who had it designed for me. We still sang happy birthday because that was your favourite song. Remember how we used to sing it just for fun, just to have you bounce and smile and sing along in your own way? You loved birthdays so much that last fall, at around this time, we even had an extra birthday party just for you, with cake and presents. Your sister even put on a little play for you... just because...
Then there was the dream that I finally had about you. I had waited so long to dream about you and it seemed to never happen. You had been gone for four months and I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not dream about you when others were continually sharing with me the details of their dreams that they had had about you. I realize now that if I had dreamed about you often after you passed I may have just wanted to go to sleep just to be with you and may have lost my desire to ever wake up. In this dream that I finally had, you offered me your heart and you told me that you were giving me your heart and all of the love that it carried because of all of the love that I had given to you. It reminded me of the movie Seven pounds, where the main character gives his organs to others who can use them after he passes; you knew I needed your heart, your love, to pass on to others...I believe.
Each time we listen to one of the songs that was played at your funeral we feel you near us. Also the song by Johnny Reid “Thank You” makes us think of you. For some reason we hear the words and can’t help but feel that it is you saying thank you to us for doing our best to give you the greatest life we could. For lying with you, playing with you and most of all sharing all of our dreams and our entire lives with you each and every day... I believe.
This weekend your brother had his first football game. He not only made the Cowboys but he is second string Quarterback in his first year of Pee Wee. I know how proud of him you were and we were all so delighted last year that you were finally able to see him play; he truly was your hero wasn’t he? And your sister was Princess Guinevere this year in her summer play, “King Author”. You would have been so thrilled to see her up there on stage again! She said the day of the play that she was so happy that you were able to be there last year watching her and that she knew that this year you would be standing by her side. She believes. Last year at her dance recital you were sitting with us in the front row (we always got front row with you in your wheelchair...we loved that) and I sat and watched with tears streaming down my face because in my heart I knew that you would never be able to dance on stage like the other children, even though you were dancing and clapping in the crowd with joy just to be there sharing their accomplishments. I cried tears of sorrow because of this yet also tears of joy because the kids had such a devoted admirer in you.
I, also, lost my biggest fan in my guitar playing and singing when I lost you. No one will ever look at me the way you did. You never cared if I made a mistake or sang out of tune, you were just so happy to have a song played just for you. I have though, done many new and wonderful things this year. I finally published my book which you were so a part of me writing. I believe I never would have had the strength, wisdom or knowledge of the heart if I did not have you in my life. It is funny, it reminds me of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning “For Love’s Sake Only” that seemed to have so much meaning in my life even while you were here. You truly loved for only the sake of love and what an amazing gift to us all to now know how to love for only love’s sake. You really had nothing to offer us except love, admiration and acceptance. You are the perfect example of the power of love, and what it can help us achieve. As a mother we learn this love the day we our children are born. We know sacrifice and an everlasting love no matter what. Your siblings have gained an invaluable insight into the meaning of love through you...they know that when you love someone at times it can be tiresome when nothing could help you when you were unwell, but they also know the magnitude of the rewards that only love can offer even though a person really has nothing but love to give back. Because of you...we believe.
I feel guilt at times that I am continuing on with my life without you and wonder if you too are moving on with new friends that you have made up in heaven. I have realized that I do need to move forward though to take care of your brother and sister, particularly when your sister was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Can you believe it? I thought I would never have to go back to the Children’s Hospital after you passed away and that I no longer had to be afraid every time I heard a siren that it was my child the ambulance was racing to, and now those fears have returned. They even put her in the same room as you passed away in; I thought I was going to fall down and die myself at the painful memories, but somehow I found strength. Maybe it was you who helped me remain strong? It reminded me of the first time I called 911 for you. You were only 18 months old when we found you status seizuring shortly after your vaccinations. I was completely hysterical as the paramedics worked on you unsuccessfully until they realized they did not have what they needed to help you and they had to just get to you the hospital as quickly as possible. I was crying and screaming as I watched them carry you out of the house with your little body strapped to a gurney, until I looked up to the top of the stairs and saw your brother, only three years old at the time, standing silently in his pyjamas holding his blanky and Bull Light Year doll. With the red lights of the ambulance flashing across his face I could see the horrendous amount of fear in his eyes. At that moment I knew I had to get it together for his sake, no matter what happened, as he loved you so much; you were his baby too. Anyway back to your sister... when she was taken to the hospital, she was so out of control in her Diabetic state that she was screaming and yelling at the Doctors and Nurses; I even wondered if some parents might have been slightly embarrassed at their child acting this way. Not me, I was proud of her and glad that she was able to yell out words and tell them how she was feeling because of the many times I sat and watched helplessly as they poked at prodded you and you were never able to yell or fight back even though I knew you were afraid and hurting. Many times I wished that you could tell them that you needed pain medication because of all of the times we asked for it but because you were unable to say it yourself they usually brushed us off and said that it was probably just the seizures even though we, as your parents, knew better. Thank you for watching over her, she thought of you many times during her stay at the hospital and gained a new appreciation for all that you had gone through.
I still think of you at the end of each day and I notice that my muscles are not exhausted from lifting and carrying you. But those aching arms have been replaced with an aching heart that misses you oh so much. Each night after I bathed you I would hold you in your rocking chair and we would quietly sing the Our Father and any other song that I thought you may enjoy before bed that day. You always sang along, that is how I know you are in Heaven...you knew to follow the sweet sound of angels singing. When they told us you were gone, I held you in my arms one last time and even though the words were broken because of my tears I, I sang to you just like I did every night before you went to sleep in the hopes that your spirit would follow those words and the sound of singing and you would find your new home right away. That is also the reason that during the last year of your life I asked all of your therapists and your aid and anyone else that worked with you to only be gentle with you and only do what was simple for you and what you enjoyed; no more painful stretching, no surgeries and unnecessary pokes. I feared that you had had such a terribly painful life that if you died you would only know pain and suffering and you would not know where to go...I guess even then I believed.
Everything reminds me of you. When I hear Oprah on the television; we always watched Oprah together while I made supper. You would hear the opening song and we would sing together. It was our time together before the rest of the family began to gather in the kitchen to sit down together for dinner. We always included you as we shared our stories about our day and I would fill everyone in about what you had done at school that day. You would reach for one of us just to say “I love you” and we always responded with the same. You sat by your brother and you would often just lay your hand resting on him, constantly looking over in his direction with admiration. It amazes me that this boy with his sporty, tween attitude always had such a soft spot for you and always looked out for you. He even won an award at school in grade 4 for the great example of kindness that he always demonstrated not only to others but especially for you. You helped form who he has become and for this you should be so proud. Your sister and her little buddies that were here last week included you in everything they did. I would often hear them say “Come on Marina!” or “Marina, you sit here with your doll.” You were such a part of her life and you still are. She loved having a sister and with you, even though she was the youngest, she was also able to feel like a big sister to you. Before you passed away she even crawled into your bed a couple of nights so that the two of you could sleep together the way sisters like to do. She loved you so much and misses you every single day. Sometimes we buy a balloon when we are grocery shopping and let it float around the house and we call it Marina. It helps us remember your quiet, peaceful presence as if you were still here. Occasionally we will see a balloon floating outside and we all say that it must be you passing by just to say hello. After we buried you the kids each released a white balloon into the air and we released another for you just to remind us all that one day we would all be together again, playing somewhere above the clouds. ..We believe.
Anyway I guess I will go for now, we have back to school shopping to do. It will not be the same without you here; you were always dressed to the nines and looked so cute; it was like dressing up my own little doll. Who will I argue with on the phone this fall now that I don’t have Handibus to call everyday in September wondering where you are or why they are not here to pick you up? As the leaves begin to change colour we will be celebrating Thanksgiving without you for the first time, but will remember, because of you, how much we have to be thankful for. Last year we happened to put up our Christmas decorations early, while you were still with us, even though you did not make it for Christmas day. That was the same day your brother took you for your last walk. It is all becoming a blur from then on but I guess God must have known that I would have struggled to decorate and celebrate Christmas without you, but that your brother and sister needed to know that we were going to be ok and that life somehow does go on. This year we are going to go on our ski trip again for New Years. Last time we went it was the first and last time you were ever on a plane. We had so much baggage and were so over weight but the lady who checked us in said that because of my bravery taking you all on this trip I deserved to take all of that baggage for free and did not charge us for the extra weight. It will be much simpler this year not having to remember your breathing machine, O2, all of your many medications, feeding tubes, diapers and so much more just in case you needed it. The weight instead will be in our hearts. We are already looking forward to going, but it will never be as special as having you with us; it is one holiday that none of us will ever forget because we were able to share it with you. I remember looking over on the airplane and seeing your brother holding your hand as we took off...I am not sure if it was him comforting you, or you him. Either way, it was a moment that will be cherished forever.
I will leave you with one final note. This one is from a bible quote that I read just the other morning. It seemed to sum up all that we have experienced just because of you. Romans 5:3-5 (Holy Bible NIV, Copyright 2002 by Zondervan USA). “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Through this hope of continuous love, I have faith, and faith is the reason...I believe.
Love Always,
Mommy

Written by
Janaia McQuaig
Author of Single in the Suburbs: Surviving the First Year as a Single Mom, Your Side and Mondays With Migal
www.juicyjanescreationsinc.com