Finding Gratitude through Comparison
I could sit here today and relay to you all that I have been through in the past two years of my life and it would probably make you feel like maybe your life might not really be so bad. I could also sit here and tell you about some examples of suffering and loss that our fellow human beings in Haiti are going through and again you would think...well I guess I have it pretty good. But the reality is, we all have our difficulties and all we know is what we have surrounding us and what our past experiences have taught us to compare it to. I work with a 30 year old childless woman who has recently lost her husband to cancer. I myself have recently lost a child who was 81/2 years old. Then one day we had a patient come into our office, barely able to function because her 12 year old Golden Retriever who was her best friend and most loving companion passed away. Did I compare her story with mine? Yes. Did that minimize my compassion for her pain? No it did not. The comparison to my experience did, though, provide me with enough insight to know that she would be ok.
I remember times where I would be walking around the children’s hospital with my daughter laying in a bed, struggling for her life, and I would see other parents who were trying to explain to a family member on the phone that their child would never be coming home, and I would think “well it could be worse.” Then there were other times my child would be laying in a bed suffering and I would see similar events and I would think, maybe what Marina is going through is worse. Then one cold, snowy night in November, 2008, it was me making that call to my mom to tell her that her granddaughter would not be coming home, knowing that I also had to go home without my baby and break it to her brother and sister that their little Marina was gone. The day we were picking her burial site, the man who was helping us asked about our little Marina and we told him about her daily struggles with uncontrolled seizures and how the disease affected her life so immensely that she was never really able to improve, in fact it seemed to be one step forward and two steps back her entire life. The man looked at her father and me and said, “You know folks, there are worse things in life than death”. We found out then that this man had a son who also suffered from uncontrolled seizures that affected him as much as Marina, but that this man’s son was an adult and still alive. In my opinion, the saddest and most painful moment for any human being to go through is the moment that your prayers changes from pleading with God to save your child, to instead, a plea to God to just take your baby to end the suffering once and for all. If your chid was missing for example, would you not hope that instead of suffering there would be death? If your child was one of those who were buried underneath the mass destruction in Haiti, and there was no hope of ever finding him, would you not pray that the suffering would just end?
Then of course there is the guilt. How could any mother pray for the death of her child? Why could I not help my child so that death was not the better option? What did I do wrong? The most difficult part of this, for me, was that that somehow this awful mother who could not save her child and in fact even prayed for her child to die, had to not only go on with her life, but also somehow raise and try to protect her two other children.
4 months later, my youngest was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. What happened to the deal God and I had about never having to return to the children’s hospital, and the deal that we had that now that I have survived caring for one very sick child He must be able to easily promise me that I will never have to watch one my children suffer again? Where did my faith go? Right down the toilet. Until I started to hear God calling me again...
“I am sorry for your new pain, but do you realize that Diabetes can be controlled and that your daughter can live a full and happy life? There is an answer...insulin. I did not leave you; in fact, I have carried her disease all this time until you were both ready to handle it.”
So once again, I am in comparison mode which leads me to the gratitude mode.
Thank you that my child has Diabetes and that it is not Epilepsy. Thank you for all of the knowledge about food and our bodies, which gives me confidence that if anyone can survive this, we can. Thank you for allowing us to live in Canada...at least are not in Haiti...
Only through this gratitude, through this comparison, will my faith be restored.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Never Assume
Never Assume...
Last night we wanted to record our first ever Hyde ‘N Seek Goes Out. We were starving so it was an easy decision to go out to eat and record our supper. We went to Lee Gardens restaurant in Sylvan Lake and enjoyed an incredible variety of dishes. We had the greatest waiter (who I won’t mention his name because I forgot to get his permission, I just assumed it would be ok). We picked the best table, seated our selves at the front but couldn’t get our recording device to work. Our waiter helped us get started and we were off! We captured on video an amazing evening of conversation, laughter, and fun. Our waiter, a 19 year old, white male and whom we found out also a survivor of the Rh Factor...Did I mention he can speak some Cantonese? Anyways he was very comfortable in front of the camera adding his views on our diverse conversations. We honestly could not have choreographed this evening and done it justice. We thought we had the “best night out” captured for your viewing pleasure. We got home and couldn’t wait to watch it but for some reason the audio did not work! We never thought to check that everything worked before we left. Never assume anything is going to work just because you want it to! In fact, never assume...
Our assumptions are probably the number one reason we have conflict in our lives. Conflict with others, because we assume we know their motivations behind their actions. Conflict within ourselves, because of our assumptions that we are not worthy or not good enough. Too many people live their lives based on false assumptions and not seeking the truth. What if we decided to stop making assumptions? Would that go against our natural human instinct, or would it allow us to live true and have the freedom to live our best lives knowing we are worthy simply because “I AM”? Not because of what others THINK I AM.
My blog followers YOU MISSED OUT because of our recording defects. We stopped off at the local store and came home with David Beckham Gillette Series foaming gel, two Venus Breeze razors, two tubes of Pringles Chips, a big bag of nuts, a bottle of Cab Sauv, a Riesling and the latest issue of Vanity Fair with Tiger Woods on the cover. Friends don’t make any assumptions......until we have our technical problems fixed.
Last night we wanted to record our first ever Hyde ‘N Seek Goes Out. We were starving so it was an easy decision to go out to eat and record our supper. We went to Lee Gardens restaurant in Sylvan Lake and enjoyed an incredible variety of dishes. We had the greatest waiter (who I won’t mention his name because I forgot to get his permission, I just assumed it would be ok). We picked the best table, seated our selves at the front but couldn’t get our recording device to work. Our waiter helped us get started and we were off! We captured on video an amazing evening of conversation, laughter, and fun. Our waiter, a 19 year old, white male and whom we found out also a survivor of the Rh Factor...Did I mention he can speak some Cantonese? Anyways he was very comfortable in front of the camera adding his views on our diverse conversations. We honestly could not have choreographed this evening and done it justice. We thought we had the “best night out” captured for your viewing pleasure. We got home and couldn’t wait to watch it but for some reason the audio did not work! We never thought to check that everything worked before we left. Never assume anything is going to work just because you want it to! In fact, never assume...
Our assumptions are probably the number one reason we have conflict in our lives. Conflict with others, because we assume we know their motivations behind their actions. Conflict within ourselves, because of our assumptions that we are not worthy or not good enough. Too many people live their lives based on false assumptions and not seeking the truth. What if we decided to stop making assumptions? Would that go against our natural human instinct, or would it allow us to live true and have the freedom to live our best lives knowing we are worthy simply because “I AM”? Not because of what others THINK I AM.
My blog followers YOU MISSED OUT because of our recording defects. We stopped off at the local store and came home with David Beckham Gillette Series foaming gel, two Venus Breeze razors, two tubes of Pringles Chips, a big bag of nuts, a bottle of Cab Sauv, a Riesling and the latest issue of Vanity Fair with Tiger Woods on the cover. Friends don’t make any assumptions......until we have our technical problems fixed.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Stand up and say HELL YA!!
Stand up for Yourself
Introduction: My first blog.
I knew I would have to rent for a while until I found out where I should be. In my situation I went from a
“HOME OWNER” to a “BASEMENT SUTE DWELLER”.
But know when to make peace ...then shut up again....know when to walk away...know when to run.
Currently I am renting a basement suite with my 16 year old daughter. We have lived here for the last 6 months with 3 small children...running, jumping and screaming above us. Then there’s the Parents...YELLING at each other!! Oh did I mention my mail is delivered to their mailbox and I don’t have a key? My mail is ALWAYS LATE!!! Christmas cards delivered Dec 30th, mail is shoved under my door, bills are late...but I put up with this. I didn’t want to be the new bitch in town demanding my mail, nor did I want to call and complain when I am awoken, from my peaceful slumber from the dead, at 7am after a night of sipping wine with my laptop from my dark coloured water bottle so my 16 year does not know how much alcohol I consume. But...I was.
Shortly after I moved in I was told from “THE UPSTARIS DWELLERS” that if I needed to plug in my car, the outlet was located, unfortunately, right outside their front door. Normally though, I park in the rear...I guess “plug in parking stall” needs to be redefined in rental agreements. As most of you know it has been FREAKING cold here in Alberta for the month of December and I therefore have been plugging in for the entire 6months that I have lived in the basement dwelling. So when it finally warmed up, I knew it was timw to start shovelling snow in the back in the hopes that I could one day park in my actual spot.
Last Friday my daughter gave me a message from the LANDLORD asking me to call her. So I phone first thing Saturday morning and all she wanted was to relay a message/complaint from the “UPSTAIRS DWELLERS” : I was to park in the back...which, by the way I was doing. So I told her that I have, and that is why I spent all last weekend shovelling and she replied, “UPSTAIRS DWELLER came home and couldn’t find a parking spot" I felt like calling...BULLSHIT!! Instead I adjuted with a smile.
So...I am packing once again. I am moving. Which, of course initiated yet another complaint from the UPSTAIRS DWELLERS because off the packing noise.
My point is this: Sometimes in life we are forced to step back and yes it feels BAD and it can be very hard to adjust. I have had to make some large sacrifices...No more dishwasher! No more beautiful country side to look out at over a great cup of coffee, instead I look up to blinds and the hopes of a sunney sky. I have adjusted. And did I lose some material stuff? Hell yes! But have I resurrected myself from a life that I was living but was never really alive? Hell yes!
Introduction: My first blog.
I knew I would have to rent for a while until I found out where I should be. In my situation I went from a
“HOME OWNER” to a “BASEMENT SUTE DWELLER”.
But know when to make peace ...then shut up again....know when to walk away...know when to run.
Currently I am renting a basement suite with my 16 year old daughter. We have lived here for the last 6 months with 3 small children...running, jumping and screaming above us. Then there’s the Parents...YELLING at each other!! Oh did I mention my mail is delivered to their mailbox and I don’t have a key? My mail is ALWAYS LATE!!! Christmas cards delivered Dec 30th, mail is shoved under my door, bills are late...but I put up with this. I didn’t want to be the new bitch in town demanding my mail, nor did I want to call and complain when I am awoken, from my peaceful slumber from the dead, at 7am after a night of sipping wine with my laptop from my dark coloured water bottle so my 16 year does not know how much alcohol I consume. But...I was.
Shortly after I moved in I was told from “THE UPSTARIS DWELLERS” that if I needed to plug in my car, the outlet was located, unfortunately, right outside their front door. Normally though, I park in the rear...I guess “plug in parking stall” needs to be redefined in rental agreements. As most of you know it has been FREAKING cold here in Alberta for the month of December and I therefore have been plugging in for the entire 6months that I have lived in the basement dwelling. So when it finally warmed up, I knew it was timw to start shovelling snow in the back in the hopes that I could one day park in my actual spot.
Last Friday my daughter gave me a message from the LANDLORD asking me to call her. So I phone first thing Saturday morning and all she wanted was to relay a message/complaint from the “UPSTAIRS DWELLERS” : I was to park in the back...which, by the way I was doing. So I told her that I have, and that is why I spent all last weekend shovelling and she replied, “UPSTAIRS DWELLER came home and couldn’t find a parking spot" I felt like calling...BULLSHIT!! Instead I adjuted with a smile.
So...I am packing once again. I am moving. Which, of course initiated yet another complaint from the UPSTAIRS DWELLERS because off the packing noise.
My point is this: Sometimes in life we are forced to step back and yes it feels BAD and it can be very hard to adjust. I have had to make some large sacrifices...No more dishwasher! No more beautiful country side to look out at over a great cup of coffee, instead I look up to blinds and the hopes of a sunney sky. I have adjusted. And did I lose some material stuff? Hell yes! But have I resurrected myself from a life that I was living but was never really alive? Hell yes!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Just Because...I Believe
I am writing this letter simply because I believe. I believe that you will read my words even though you never learned to read; just as even though you never learned to speak, I always knew you understood and I know you will once again understand. I also believe that there is someone else out there who will also read my words and receive a message because they too believe. Just because... I believe.
I have received all of the little messages that you have sent me to let me know you are with me. Such as on your first birthday without you here, which would have been your 9th birthday. I walked into Dairy Queen to buy an ice cream cake so your brother, sister and I could have a small celebration of your life in the hopes that you would be watching down and sharing our memories, even though you were not able to have a piece of your favourite cake and be here to celebrate with us. I was looking at the cakes trying to decide which one to buy when your sister said “Here it is Mom!” I looked over and there was a cake in the shape of a heart with L O V E spelled out in a square exactly the same as the design on your favourite shirt, the one that we picked out to bury you in. It was like I had called in and had it designed for you, when in fact I knew in my heart that it was actually you who had it designed for me. We still sang happy birthday because that was your favourite song. Remember how we used to sing it just for fun, just to have you bounce and smile and sing along in your own way? You loved birthdays so much that last fall, at around this time, we even had an extra birthday party just for you, with cake and presents. Your sister even put on a little play for you... just because...
Then there was the dream that I finally had about you. I had waited so long to dream about you and it seemed to never happen. You had been gone for four months and I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not dream about you when others were continually sharing with me the details of their dreams that they had had about you. I realize now that if I had dreamed about you often after you passed I may have just wanted to go to sleep just to be with you and may have lost my desire to ever wake up. In this dream that I finally had, you offered me your heart and you told me that you were giving me your heart and all of the love that it carried because of all of the love that I had given to you. It reminded me of the movie Seven pounds, where the main character gives his organs to others who can use them after he passes; you knew I needed your heart, your love, to pass on to others...I believe.
Each time we listen to one of the songs that was played at your funeral we feel you near us. Also the song by Johnny Reid “Thank You” makes us think of you. For some reason we hear the words and can’t help but feel that it is you saying thank you to us for doing our best to give you the greatest life we could. For lying with you, playing with you and most of all sharing all of our dreams and our entire lives with you each and every day... I believe.
This weekend your brother had his first football game. He not only made the Cowboys but he is second string Quarterback in his first year of Pee Wee. I know how proud of him you were and we were all so delighted last year that you were finally able to see him play; he truly was your hero wasn’t he? And your sister was Princess Guinevere this year in her summer play, “King Author”. You would have been so thrilled to see her up there on stage again! She said the day of the play that she was so happy that you were able to be there last year watching her and that she knew that this year you would be standing by her side. She believes. Last year at her dance recital you were sitting with us in the front row (we always got front row with you in your wheelchair...we loved that) and I sat and watched with tears streaming down my face because in my heart I knew that you would never be able to dance on stage like the other children, even though you were dancing and clapping in the crowd with joy just to be there sharing their accomplishments. I cried tears of sorrow because of this yet also tears of joy because the kids had such a devoted admirer in you.
I, also, lost my biggest fan in my guitar playing and singing when I lost you. No one will ever look at me the way you did. You never cared if I made a mistake or sang out of tune, you were just so happy to have a song played just for you. I have though, done many new and wonderful things this year. I finally published my book which you were so a part of me writing. I believe I never would have had the strength, wisdom or knowledge of the heart if I did not have you in my life. It is funny, it reminds me of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning “For Love’s Sake Only” that seemed to have so much meaning in my life even while you were here. You truly loved for only the sake of love and what an amazing gift to us all to now know how to love for only love’s sake. You really had nothing to offer us except love, admiration and acceptance. You are the perfect example of the power of love, and what it can help us achieve. As a mother we learn this love the day we our children are born. We know sacrifice and an everlasting love no matter what. Your siblings have gained an invaluable insight into the meaning of love through you...they know that when you love someone at times it can be tiresome when nothing could help you when you were unwell, but they also know the magnitude of the rewards that only love can offer even though a person really has nothing but love to give back. Because of you...we believe.
I feel guilt at times that I am continuing on with my life without you and wonder if you too are moving on with new friends that you have made up in heaven. I have realized that I do need to move forward though to take care of your brother and sister, particularly when your sister was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Can you believe it? I thought I would never have to go back to the Children’s Hospital after you passed away and that I no longer had to be afraid every time I heard a siren that it was my child the ambulance was racing to, and now those fears have returned. They even put her in the same room as you passed away in; I thought I was going to fall down and die myself at the painful memories, but somehow I found strength. Maybe it was you who helped me remain strong? It reminded me of the first time I called 911 for you. You were only 18 months old when we found you status seizuring shortly after your vaccinations. I was completely hysterical as the paramedics worked on you unsuccessfully until they realized they did not have what they needed to help you and they had to just get to you the hospital as quickly as possible. I was crying and screaming as I watched them carry you out of the house with your little body strapped to a gurney, until I looked up to the top of the stairs and saw your brother, only three years old at the time, standing silently in his pyjamas holding his blanky and Bull Light Year doll. With the red lights of the ambulance flashing across his face I could see the horrendous amount of fear in his eyes. At that moment I knew I had to get it together for his sake, no matter what happened, as he loved you so much; you were his baby too. Anyway back to your sister... when she was taken to the hospital, she was so out of control in her Diabetic state that she was screaming and yelling at the Doctors and Nurses; I even wondered if some parents might have been slightly embarrassed at their child acting this way. Not me, I was proud of her and glad that she was able to yell out words and tell them how she was feeling because of the many times I sat and watched helplessly as they poked at prodded you and you were never able to yell or fight back even though I knew you were afraid and hurting. Many times I wished that you could tell them that you needed pain medication because of all of the times we asked for it but because you were unable to say it yourself they usually brushed us off and said that it was probably just the seizures even though we, as your parents, knew better. Thank you for watching over her, she thought of you many times during her stay at the hospital and gained a new appreciation for all that you had gone through.
I still think of you at the end of each day and I notice that my muscles are not exhausted from lifting and carrying you. But those aching arms have been replaced with an aching heart that misses you oh so much. Each night after I bathed you I would hold you in your rocking chair and we would quietly sing the Our Father and any other song that I thought you may enjoy before bed that day. You always sang along, that is how I know you are in Heaven...you knew to follow the sweet sound of angels singing. When they told us you were gone, I held you in my arms one last time and even though the words were broken because of my tears I, I sang to you just like I did every night before you went to sleep in the hopes that your spirit would follow those words and the sound of singing and you would find your new home right away. That is also the reason that during the last year of your life I asked all of your therapists and your aid and anyone else that worked with you to only be gentle with you and only do what was simple for you and what you enjoyed; no more painful stretching, no surgeries and unnecessary pokes. I feared that you had had such a terribly painful life that if you died you would only know pain and suffering and you would not know where to go...I guess even then I believed.
Everything reminds me of you. When I hear Oprah on the television; we always watched Oprah together while I made supper. You would hear the opening song and we would sing together. It was our time together before the rest of the family began to gather in the kitchen to sit down together for dinner. We always included you as we shared our stories about our day and I would fill everyone in about what you had done at school that day. You would reach for one of us just to say “I love you” and we always responded with the same. You sat by your brother and you would often just lay your hand resting on him, constantly looking over in his direction with admiration. It amazes me that this boy with his sporty, tween attitude always had such a soft spot for you and always looked out for you. He even won an award at school in grade 4 for the great example of kindness that he always demonstrated not only to others but especially for you. You helped form who he has become and for this you should be so proud. Your sister and her little buddies that were here last week included you in everything they did. I would often hear them say “Come on Marina!” or “Marina, you sit here with your doll.” You were such a part of her life and you still are. She loved having a sister and with you, even though she was the youngest, she was also able to feel like a big sister to you. Before you passed away she even crawled into your bed a couple of nights so that the two of you could sleep together the way sisters like to do. She loved you so much and misses you every single day. Sometimes we buy a balloon when we are grocery shopping and let it float around the house and we call it Marina. It helps us remember your quiet, peaceful presence as if you were still here. Occasionally we will see a balloon floating outside and we all say that it must be you passing by just to say hello. After we buried you the kids each released a white balloon into the air and we released another for you just to remind us all that one day we would all be together again, playing somewhere above the clouds. ..We believe.
Anyway I guess I will go for now, we have back to school shopping to do. It will not be the same without you here; you were always dressed to the nines and looked so cute; it was like dressing up my own little doll. Who will I argue with on the phone this fall now that I don’t have Handibus to call everyday in September wondering where you are or why they are not here to pick you up? As the leaves begin to change colour we will be celebrating Thanksgiving without you for the first time, but will remember, because of you, how much we have to be thankful for. Last year we happened to put up our Christmas decorations early, while you were still with us, even though you did not make it for Christmas day. That was the same day your brother took you for your last walk. It is all becoming a blur from then on but I guess God must have known that I would have struggled to decorate and celebrate Christmas without you, but that your brother and sister needed to know that we were going to be ok and that life somehow does go on. This year we are going to go on our ski trip again for New Years. Last time we went it was the first and last time you were ever on a plane. We had so much baggage and were so over weight but the lady who checked us in said that because of my bravery taking you all on this trip I deserved to take all of that baggage for free and did not charge us for the extra weight. It will be much simpler this year not having to remember your breathing machine, O2, all of your many medications, feeding tubes, diapers and so much more just in case you needed it. The weight instead will be in our hearts. We are already looking forward to going, but it will never be as special as having you with us; it is one holiday that none of us will ever forget because we were able to share it with you. I remember looking over on the airplane and seeing your brother holding your hand as we took off...I am not sure if it was him comforting you, or you him. Either way, it was a moment that will be cherished forever.
I will leave you with one final note. This one is from a bible quote that I read just the other morning. It seemed to sum up all that we have experienced just because of you. Romans 5:3-5 (Holy Bible NIV, Copyright 2002 by Zondervan USA). “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Through this hope of continuous love, I have faith, and faith is the reason...I believe.
Love Always,
Mommy
Written by
Janaia McQuaig
Author of Single in the Suburbs: Surviving the First Year as a Single Mom, Your Side and Mondays With Migal
www.juicyjanescreationsinc.com
I am writing this letter simply because I believe. I believe that you will read my words even though you never learned to read; just as even though you never learned to speak, I always knew you understood and I know you will once again understand. I also believe that there is someone else out there who will also read my words and receive a message because they too believe. Just because... I believe.
I have received all of the little messages that you have sent me to let me know you are with me. Such as on your first birthday without you here, which would have been your 9th birthday. I walked into Dairy Queen to buy an ice cream cake so your brother, sister and I could have a small celebration of your life in the hopes that you would be watching down and sharing our memories, even though you were not able to have a piece of your favourite cake and be here to celebrate with us. I was looking at the cakes trying to decide which one to buy when your sister said “Here it is Mom!” I looked over and there was a cake in the shape of a heart with L O V E spelled out in a square exactly the same as the design on your favourite shirt, the one that we picked out to bury you in. It was like I had called in and had it designed for you, when in fact I knew in my heart that it was actually you who had it designed for me. We still sang happy birthday because that was your favourite song. Remember how we used to sing it just for fun, just to have you bounce and smile and sing along in your own way? You loved birthdays so much that last fall, at around this time, we even had an extra birthday party just for you, with cake and presents. Your sister even put on a little play for you... just because...
Then there was the dream that I finally had about you. I had waited so long to dream about you and it seemed to never happen. You had been gone for four months and I was beginning to wonder what was wrong with me that I could not dream about you when others were continually sharing with me the details of their dreams that they had had about you. I realize now that if I had dreamed about you often after you passed I may have just wanted to go to sleep just to be with you and may have lost my desire to ever wake up. In this dream that I finally had, you offered me your heart and you told me that you were giving me your heart and all of the love that it carried because of all of the love that I had given to you. It reminded me of the movie Seven pounds, where the main character gives his organs to others who can use them after he passes; you knew I needed your heart, your love, to pass on to others...I believe.
Each time we listen to one of the songs that was played at your funeral we feel you near us. Also the song by Johnny Reid “Thank You” makes us think of you. For some reason we hear the words and can’t help but feel that it is you saying thank you to us for doing our best to give you the greatest life we could. For lying with you, playing with you and most of all sharing all of our dreams and our entire lives with you each and every day... I believe.
This weekend your brother had his first football game. He not only made the Cowboys but he is second string Quarterback in his first year of Pee Wee. I know how proud of him you were and we were all so delighted last year that you were finally able to see him play; he truly was your hero wasn’t he? And your sister was Princess Guinevere this year in her summer play, “King Author”. You would have been so thrilled to see her up there on stage again! She said the day of the play that she was so happy that you were able to be there last year watching her and that she knew that this year you would be standing by her side. She believes. Last year at her dance recital you were sitting with us in the front row (we always got front row with you in your wheelchair...we loved that) and I sat and watched with tears streaming down my face because in my heart I knew that you would never be able to dance on stage like the other children, even though you were dancing and clapping in the crowd with joy just to be there sharing their accomplishments. I cried tears of sorrow because of this yet also tears of joy because the kids had such a devoted admirer in you.
I, also, lost my biggest fan in my guitar playing and singing when I lost you. No one will ever look at me the way you did. You never cared if I made a mistake or sang out of tune, you were just so happy to have a song played just for you. I have though, done many new and wonderful things this year. I finally published my book which you were so a part of me writing. I believe I never would have had the strength, wisdom or knowledge of the heart if I did not have you in my life. It is funny, it reminds me of the poem by Elizabeth Barrett Browning “For Love’s Sake Only” that seemed to have so much meaning in my life even while you were here. You truly loved for only the sake of love and what an amazing gift to us all to now know how to love for only love’s sake. You really had nothing to offer us except love, admiration and acceptance. You are the perfect example of the power of love, and what it can help us achieve. As a mother we learn this love the day we our children are born. We know sacrifice and an everlasting love no matter what. Your siblings have gained an invaluable insight into the meaning of love through you...they know that when you love someone at times it can be tiresome when nothing could help you when you were unwell, but they also know the magnitude of the rewards that only love can offer even though a person really has nothing but love to give back. Because of you...we believe.
I feel guilt at times that I am continuing on with my life without you and wonder if you too are moving on with new friends that you have made up in heaven. I have realized that I do need to move forward though to take care of your brother and sister, particularly when your sister was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Can you believe it? I thought I would never have to go back to the Children’s Hospital after you passed away and that I no longer had to be afraid every time I heard a siren that it was my child the ambulance was racing to, and now those fears have returned. They even put her in the same room as you passed away in; I thought I was going to fall down and die myself at the painful memories, but somehow I found strength. Maybe it was you who helped me remain strong? It reminded me of the first time I called 911 for you. You were only 18 months old when we found you status seizuring shortly after your vaccinations. I was completely hysterical as the paramedics worked on you unsuccessfully until they realized they did not have what they needed to help you and they had to just get to you the hospital as quickly as possible. I was crying and screaming as I watched them carry you out of the house with your little body strapped to a gurney, until I looked up to the top of the stairs and saw your brother, only three years old at the time, standing silently in his pyjamas holding his blanky and Bull Light Year doll. With the red lights of the ambulance flashing across his face I could see the horrendous amount of fear in his eyes. At that moment I knew I had to get it together for his sake, no matter what happened, as he loved you so much; you were his baby too. Anyway back to your sister... when she was taken to the hospital, she was so out of control in her Diabetic state that she was screaming and yelling at the Doctors and Nurses; I even wondered if some parents might have been slightly embarrassed at their child acting this way. Not me, I was proud of her and glad that she was able to yell out words and tell them how she was feeling because of the many times I sat and watched helplessly as they poked at prodded you and you were never able to yell or fight back even though I knew you were afraid and hurting. Many times I wished that you could tell them that you needed pain medication because of all of the times we asked for it but because you were unable to say it yourself they usually brushed us off and said that it was probably just the seizures even though we, as your parents, knew better. Thank you for watching over her, she thought of you many times during her stay at the hospital and gained a new appreciation for all that you had gone through.
I still think of you at the end of each day and I notice that my muscles are not exhausted from lifting and carrying you. But those aching arms have been replaced with an aching heart that misses you oh so much. Each night after I bathed you I would hold you in your rocking chair and we would quietly sing the Our Father and any other song that I thought you may enjoy before bed that day. You always sang along, that is how I know you are in Heaven...you knew to follow the sweet sound of angels singing. When they told us you were gone, I held you in my arms one last time and even though the words were broken because of my tears I, I sang to you just like I did every night before you went to sleep in the hopes that your spirit would follow those words and the sound of singing and you would find your new home right away. That is also the reason that during the last year of your life I asked all of your therapists and your aid and anyone else that worked with you to only be gentle with you and only do what was simple for you and what you enjoyed; no more painful stretching, no surgeries and unnecessary pokes. I feared that you had had such a terribly painful life that if you died you would only know pain and suffering and you would not know where to go...I guess even then I believed.
Everything reminds me of you. When I hear Oprah on the television; we always watched Oprah together while I made supper. You would hear the opening song and we would sing together. It was our time together before the rest of the family began to gather in the kitchen to sit down together for dinner. We always included you as we shared our stories about our day and I would fill everyone in about what you had done at school that day. You would reach for one of us just to say “I love you” and we always responded with the same. You sat by your brother and you would often just lay your hand resting on him, constantly looking over in his direction with admiration. It amazes me that this boy with his sporty, tween attitude always had such a soft spot for you and always looked out for you. He even won an award at school in grade 4 for the great example of kindness that he always demonstrated not only to others but especially for you. You helped form who he has become and for this you should be so proud. Your sister and her little buddies that were here last week included you in everything they did. I would often hear them say “Come on Marina!” or “Marina, you sit here with your doll.” You were such a part of her life and you still are. She loved having a sister and with you, even though she was the youngest, she was also able to feel like a big sister to you. Before you passed away she even crawled into your bed a couple of nights so that the two of you could sleep together the way sisters like to do. She loved you so much and misses you every single day. Sometimes we buy a balloon when we are grocery shopping and let it float around the house and we call it Marina. It helps us remember your quiet, peaceful presence as if you were still here. Occasionally we will see a balloon floating outside and we all say that it must be you passing by just to say hello. After we buried you the kids each released a white balloon into the air and we released another for you just to remind us all that one day we would all be together again, playing somewhere above the clouds. ..We believe.
Anyway I guess I will go for now, we have back to school shopping to do. It will not be the same without you here; you were always dressed to the nines and looked so cute; it was like dressing up my own little doll. Who will I argue with on the phone this fall now that I don’t have Handibus to call everyday in September wondering where you are or why they are not here to pick you up? As the leaves begin to change colour we will be celebrating Thanksgiving without you for the first time, but will remember, because of you, how much we have to be thankful for. Last year we happened to put up our Christmas decorations early, while you were still with us, even though you did not make it for Christmas day. That was the same day your brother took you for your last walk. It is all becoming a blur from then on but I guess God must have known that I would have struggled to decorate and celebrate Christmas without you, but that your brother and sister needed to know that we were going to be ok and that life somehow does go on. This year we are going to go on our ski trip again for New Years. Last time we went it was the first and last time you were ever on a plane. We had so much baggage and were so over weight but the lady who checked us in said that because of my bravery taking you all on this trip I deserved to take all of that baggage for free and did not charge us for the extra weight. It will be much simpler this year not having to remember your breathing machine, O2, all of your many medications, feeding tubes, diapers and so much more just in case you needed it. The weight instead will be in our hearts. We are already looking forward to going, but it will never be as special as having you with us; it is one holiday that none of us will ever forget because we were able to share it with you. I remember looking over on the airplane and seeing your brother holding your hand as we took off...I am not sure if it was him comforting you, or you him. Either way, it was a moment that will be cherished forever.
I will leave you with one final note. This one is from a bible quote that I read just the other morning. It seemed to sum up all that we have experienced just because of you. Romans 5:3-5 (Holy Bible NIV, Copyright 2002 by Zondervan USA). “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.” Through this hope of continuous love, I have faith, and faith is the reason...I believe.
Love Always,
Mommy
Written by
Janaia McQuaig
Author of Single in the Suburbs: Surviving the First Year as a Single Mom, Your Side and Mondays With Migal
www.juicyjanescreationsinc.com
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
